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It’s been awhile

11/30/2016

Hi blog.  It’s been awhile.  Life has changed for the worst.  I’ve gone through things I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  Constant pains inside the body, massive sleep deprivation, loneliness, failure to progress in life, feeling as if I’m going backwards.  Is there still hope in this life?  Are there things to look forward to in life?  Should I keep dwelling on the past or plan goals for the future?  Is the burden to heavy to lift?

I’ve worked at a large retailer for about 6 years and I’ve been in an uphill battle for that amount of time.  My career has gone backwards because of variables that were out of my control.  I am mainly a passive person who relies on how others think of me in order to feel good about myself.  I’ve been dealing with a painful physical ailment for 2 years that takes lots of energy away from myself.  I was met with opposition in this new location and people didn’t trust my judgement.  I didn’t have confidence in myself, nor did I have the energy to keep up with the job at hand.  I have now stepped down and took a hit in pay.  Despite the time I’ve spent trying to get ahead in this career, I’ve suffered a pay decrease.  Before all this happened, I could’ve taken action that required confrontation to the allegations against me.  I told myself not to cause a ruckus and to avoid confrontation and that it would get better.  This has been the wrong choice.  I’ve learned a lot about people; I can’t call anyone a true friend.  It seems as if there are more people who’d like to see me fall flat on my face.  Hypocrisy is prominent, and perception is extremely biased and subjective.  The job is too fast paced, sometimes too fast paced for communication.

What is next for Carl?  I’m not sure.  I’m a musician, so there are outlets to make money as a musician, although they are few and far in between.  I quit my band that I’ve been with for 7 years because I wasn’t able to make the gigs for the band.  I tried so hard to make my schedule open for gigs, and was for a time, but ever since the transfer to this new store it has been difficult.  I quit the band about 2 months ago, and things just went backwards.  The band had it’s faults besides my attendance, but if it weren’t for my job I probably would still be in the band.  I just couldn’t make gigs that only had a week’s notice.  Anxiety is a huge factor and keeps tearing my life apart.  It’s prominent in my life, and it seems as if there is no end in sight.  I am anxious about my job, my band, and this affects me to the point that I just shut down if it gets to be too much.  I stop answering my phone, I stop calling people, I stop being motivated, because I get too anxious about failing to uphold the responsibilities of the band.  I can’t keep going on like this.  Something has to give.  Running out of coping mechanisms.

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